This Heart Needs You
by VerelLupin
Summary: There's a thin line between love and hate. For Peeta and Katniss that line has been blurred but what happens when Katniss has to deal with indifference and not hate? Can she put everything on the line to bring Peeta back. Will Peeta see that the Katniss he remembers is not the same Katniss fighting to make him whole? Can they come together one last time?


**I have no idea where this came from. It could have something to do with that Hunger Games marathon yesterday...hmmm and I love this song, so yeah.  
**

 **Anyway obviously this is AU as all hell but I wanted a Katniss that wasn't so stupid...I love her to pieces but holy crap is she just dumb sometimes.**

 **I love my Peeta bear and I apologize in advance for what I've done to him.**

 **Some parts of the movies and books used include dialog though not always in the correct order, the rest is all me ;)**

 **The song is Elastic Heart by Sia feat. Diplo and the Weeknd. (The fact that its part of the Catching Fire soundtrack is a bonus)**

 **I own nothing. Blah blah blah.**

* * *

 _ **The opposite of love is not hate, its indifference – Ellie Wiesel**_

 **And another one bites the dust**

" _Welcome the victor of the 83rd Hunger Games, Lionel Moran!"_

 _The crowd roared and cheered as the twelve year-old boy from District 12 came onto the stage. He blinked owlishly behind his glasses and gave a tentative wave. This sent the crowd roaring again and Caesar Flickerman had to shout to be heard._

" _Before we get to know young Lionel, let's have a quick chat with his mentors, the winners of the 74th hunger games, Katniss and Peeta Mellark."_

 **Oh why can I not conquer love?**

 _Peeta and I come out, holding hands and blowing kisses to our adoring audience. Peeta shakes Caesar's hand then Caesar turns to me and kisses mine. Peeta pulls out my chair and I sit down gracefully. Peeta sits beside me and I pull his hand onto my lap entwining his fingers with mine._

" _So I can see you two are as in love as ever," he chuckles._

 _Peeta's hands slacks a bit in mine but he smiles winningly, "of course. After everything we went through to be together-" Peeta trails off and a soft but what I know to be an artificial light enters his eyes as he smiles at me._

" _It's a blessing." I finish._

 _We talk of strategies and getting our tribute out and how exciting it all was. There's discussions of the upcoming celebrations in district 12 and the capital parties that are sure to be magnificent._

 **And I might have thought that we were one**

 _I look over at Snow and he glances at Peeta meaningfully. I take a deep breath and Peeta squeezes my hand in encouragement, "actually Caesar we have an announcement."_

" _Really? Do tell." He leans in closely like it's a secret, like we could keep anything a secret here in the Capitol._

 _I look at Peeta but his profile is suddenly dark and forbidding and I falter._

 _He squeezes my hand again, this time it's a hard squeeze that mashes our wedding rings into my fingers, the darkness in his face disappears and he turns and smiles at me. The fake smile he gives the cameras, a smile that's not been real in a long time, six years to be exact, is reflected in the screens around us._

 **Wanted to fight this war without weapons**

" _We are going to have a baby," I finally get out._

 _A baby. A child of two victors. A weapon for Snow to continue to use against us. Another weapon to keep us in line. Not that we would even think of stepping out of it at this point._

 _Peeta and I are congratulated, while the crowd goes crazy. We are enveloped by Caesar and our old mentor, Haymitch as well as Cinna and Effie, who are called to the stage by the audience._

 _Everyone who's had a hand in our love story._

 _I see Johanna shake her head and I notice that Peeta's acknowledged it with a shake of his own._

 _I catch Finnick's eyes and he looks disappointed, I smile wider and he turns away._

" _Heaven help you," Haymitch whispers to me._

 _He shakes Peeta's hand and says something to him too, something too quiet for me to hear._

 _Whatever he says makes the future father clench his jaw. Not that this is too surprising, Peeta often talks to Haymitch with a clenched jaw and clipped words._

 **And I wanted it, I wanted it bad**

 _After the celebrations we head back to the training center, its closer to the train station than our capitol home. We'll be heading back to 12 after the morning interview._

 _We don't say anything on the way to the elevator, though I sag a little against him now that my heels are off, my feet are already tender and I'm only a few months along. We reach the top floor and only after we make it into our quarters and have taken off all the capitol clothes do we speak._

" _The interview went well," he says pulling on a plain gray shirt and black sleep pants._

" _Lionel didn't really have to say much, Caesar did most of the talking."_

" _Caesar always does most of the talking."_

" _Do you think that Snow is satisfied?" I ask scared for the first time in a long time._

" _I'm sure he is. I wouldn't worry about it too much now. I'm sure we will have another "visit" in the next few months and I have a meeting with him first thing in the morning. I'll smooth over any doubts," he adds._

" _We're leaving first thing in the morning. Is he coming to see us here?" I ask feeling a hollow ache forming in the pit of my stomach._

 **But there were so many red flags**

" _I'm not going to twelve this year." He says it casually, as if he didn't just say he was abandoning me for the next six months. Not that he has been very present in the last few years but at least he's been by my side. He's never left me completely alone._

 _I have felt this divide steadily building between us but I know deep within my soul that if I allow this to happen, we will never cross it and he'll be lost to me. "Why?"_

 _He looks at me, really looks at me. He looks at me in way that he hasn't in years, like the boy in love with a girl, really in love not acting like it because he thinks the girl is stuck with him. A man in love with his wife, not one forced into it by circumstances. A man happy to be a father because he still loves me and not just because enough time has passed._

 _It's an oddly pensive look that puts me on the defensive. I can feel my hackles rising, can taste the stupid comeback ready to be hurled at him sitting on the tip of my tongue. He must see it too because his face goes back to that placid expression, the one I hate so much, the one that's getting harder and harder to banish._

 **Now another one bites the dust**

" _Your mother and Prim are there." He gets into bed and turns off the light on his side bathing half of the room in darkness and keeping me from seeing anything he might be thinking. "And I have capitol business to attend to."_

 _I sit still and quiet with no response to the bomb he's just dropped on me. ' **It's exactly what I asked for. I asked for time away from the noise and crowds. I asked for space from the fakeness of our lives. I didn't think he would think I meant him.'** The thoughts circle in my mind and by the time I finally lay beside him, I know that I've asked for something that will destroy what's left of us. _

" _I'll see you off tomorrow and call you every day."_

" _Don't bother, I'll call you once a week." I snap._

" _Katniss."_

" _Peeta."_

" _I don't want to fight about this. You don't need the extra stress."_

 **Yeah, let's be clear, I'll trust no one**

 _He sounds weary and just annoyed with me but I don't care. I'm the one that has to carry this to term. I'm the one whose body is changing."I never wanted this."_

" _I know."_

" _I never wanted kids, Peeta. I never wanted this for me."_

" _I know what you meant and for the record I didn't want...this either," he replies._

 **You did not break me**

" _We can't keep doing this."_

 _He turns the light back on and sits up, his prosthetic leg rests discreetly against the night table and I fixate on that instead of his blue eyes. They've darkened so much over the years. "I know that this is scary but as long as we are honest and help each other through it, we'll survive it. We made it through everything else, haven't we?"_

" _Survive? Aren't you tired of this life?" I ask._

" _Yes, but you, Haymitch and I agreed that this ride was never gonna be over. We convinced Snow, squashed a rebellion and are now enjoying that life."_

" _Maybe we shouldn't have." I say quietly._

 _He looks so flustered, like it's finally taken a toll on him but I know better. The damage has been there from the beginning, ever since our wedding went through and we moved to Panem for six months out of the year._

 _Ever since it was obvious that I couldn't submit to this union like he had. I hadn't even wanted to try the first years and he'd given it all because we were stuck together and he didn't want us to end up hating each other._

 _I think sometimes that he must hate me now from how he talks when others aren't around. "You probably should have become the rebellion's symbol and fueled the uprising, I could have watched from 12 as you saved us all."_

" _We never even tried to fight." I say stubbornly ignoring his sarcastic tone._

 **I'm still fighting for peace**

" _We didn't try to fight? Katniss that's exactly what you and I do every day. We get up and fight for another day but I never wanted to, I just wanted to make it out of the Arena and go home. I wanted to be your friend and maybe something else when we grew up." He sighs, "it's over and done with, we can't change the past."_

" _So you've given up?" I ask._

" _We had our chance." He turns the light off and leaves me to lay awake until the morning light sneaks across our window._

 **Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart**

 _I drift off eventually but I wake with my back sore and a terrible foreboding._

 _Peeta is out of bed and already in the shower, when I wake. His clothes for the day are set out as are mine, the single suitcase I packed before we went to the show is sitting by the door. Its blue and battered and looks especially homely without Peeta's equally battered black one next to it._

 **But your blade it might be too sharp**

 _He comes out toweling his hair and I realize that only his blazer and shoes are actually laid out._

" _Why didn't you wake me?" I say sitting up and putting my hair up in a lazy ponytail._

 _He hands me a cup of hot chocolate with a fresh cheese bun, I take them and he sits next to me to put his shoes on. "You tossed and turned a lot last night. I didn't think you'd actually gotten any sleep, I didn't want to bother you. You having nightmares again?"_

 _He used to always know when I had nightmares. Now he has to ask, it's my fault. I pushed him away, I didn't want to depend on him like during the Victory tour._

 **I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard**

" _Just worried about my mom's reaction, I guess."_

" _You have nothing to worry about. Your mom will be happy to see you as will be Prim."_

" _Can't you have breakfast with me?" I ask as he shrugs his blazer on._

" _Snow wants to see me as soon as possible. I have to go otherwise I would," he leans and gives me a quick kiss on the forehead and leaves._

 **Yeah, I may snap and I move fast**

 _He meets me at the train and kisses me goodbye, I hold onto him longer than is decent but his lips just rest on mine, I'm the one doing all the work._

 _He gently pulls away and helps me board. Once I'm comfy in a chair, he squeezes my shoulder and leaves. My last glimpse is of him shaking hands with Seneca Crane, and the two get back into the capitol cars that brought us there, he doesn't glance back at me once._

 **But you won't see me fall apart**

 _I sit quietly and watch the districts fly by._

" _It's a wonder you've lasted this long." Haymitch mutters from the table._

" _Peeta does all the work."_

" _I don't know sweetheart. You're the one that got knocked up. I'd say you did your part, though I wonder how that boy didn't freeze your insides," he waves around a fork and I'm transported to my first breakfast with him when he'd told me I wasn't likeable._

" _We're both pretty numb by now." I say and walk over to him. He hands me toast and I nibble it slowly. The motion of the train has made the morning sickness ten time worse and I don't want to have to change my dress for a third time._

" _See, I thought so too but I don't buy it."_

" _What are you talking about?" I ask harshly._

" _When you announced your bundle of joy, you looked happy."_

" _And?"_

" _You're not that good, he is, but he didn't fool me."_

" _Maybe I've gotten better."_

 _Haymitch snorted, "nope you've actually fallen for him."_

" _Are you drunk?" I ask sniffing his glass._

" _Just O.J. And even I couldn't get that drunk. So when did it happen?"_

 **'Cause I've got an elastic heart**

" _Nothing's happen." I say and slam his glass on the table hard enough to shatter the bottom. Haymitch jumps up and grabs my hand but luckily I didn't cut it. "You know I actually feel sorry for you."_

 _I snatch my hand away, "yeah I feel sorry for you too."_

" _Katniss, he can love you again."_

" _I'm going to lay down."_

" _You wanna know what I told him?"_

" _Nope," I say but can't help slowing down in case he wants to blurt it out._

" _She'll come around."_

" _You should have kept your mouth shut," I say._

 **I've got an elastic heart**

 _My mom and sister are at the station when we get there, they get my stuff and Haymitch helps me off the train._

" _Where's Peeta?" Prim asks. Her and Peeta have become inseparable, it helps him cope I think. One of few things we still have in common, those are getting harder and harder to find._

" _Capitol Business." I reply._

" _But..."_

" _Katniss you must be exhausted, let's get you home so I can do a full checkup on you."_

" _Thank, mom."_

 _Prim doesn't ask any more questions and I don't mind the silence. I wish Haymitch hadn't told me what he'd told Peeta. I can't come around. There's nowhere to go. Peeta has made it clear that he doesn't want me anymore._

 _Haymitch walks with us to my house and I immediately head upstairs to my room. I pause in the hallway and stare into the darkness of what is now Peeta's room. He moved into it a year ago after a particularly nasty fight._

 **Yeah, I've got an elastic heart**

" _What's the point of you sleeping beside me if you won't touch me?"_

" _Katniss, you don't want me to."_

" _That's not true!" I shouted._

" _Then why is it lately when we do have sex, you leave the bed right after?'_

" _Because..."_

" _Because what?"_

" _Because you're different. You don't touch me the same way." I blurted._

" _I've tried to be understanding, I've tried to make this work. I have. But I can't anymore. I can't have you look at me the way you do then act like you love me when we are in bed. I can't pretend here."_

" _We don't have to pretend." I said actually wanting to fix what's gone wrong with us._

" _I wish you really believed that," he said sadly._

" _Peeta, I've never been good at this. I'm trying. I really am."_

" _I don't want you to try. I want you to want this and you don't. I can't make you love me and I can't pretend here that I am okay with it. I'll do and act however you want in the capitol, but let me keep a bit of myself here."_

" _Fine do what you want. I'm just doing what I know. I can't be any other way."_

" _That's not the problem," he said and entered our bedroom._

" _What are you doing?"_

" _I'm moving to the spare bedroom. I'll get the rest of my things tomorrow," he explained as he gathered his pajamas and a fresh change of clothes._

" _I'm supposed to be pregnant by the time we get back to Panem. That's gonna be hard to do with you in another room and I definitely don't want to conceive in the capitol."_

" _We'll make it work Katniss, we always do, intimacy has never been an issue for us," he said and headed to his room. "Don't worry about the pregnancy, we'll get it done and announce it at the next games. Snow will love that, goodnight."_

 **And I will stay up through the night**

 _ **'She didn't fight me, I thought she would fight me.'**_ _I think as the train pulls away._

" _President Snow is not a patient man, Peeta."_

" _Sorry Seneca, I'm just worried about Katniss. This is the first time she's gone without me."_

" _First time father nerves, that's always natural."_

" _Do you know what Snow wants? I was under the impression that we had done as expected."_

" _I think he just wants to make sure that you guys are properly taken care of, nothing else." Seneca answered._

 _I nod but am not reassured. Seneca is not a bad man but he is terribly naïve. He sees Snow in a much different light that Katniss and I have ever seen him._

" _Peeta how far along is Katniss?"_

" _Um...four months." I answer._

 _We arrive at the main justice building and then from there we are transferred to another car that will take me to President's mansion._

 _We enter the mansion and are escorted through a hallway that opens up to a massive foyer. We are told to sit, "you'll be called when the president is ready for you."_

 _Obviously, I want to remark but smile instead. Seneca covers his laugh discreetly and glances at me in amusement. I look around but nothing has changed from the last time I was here. I sincerely hope I'm not kept waiting for hours like last time._

 _Thankfully a man walks out of the massive doors in front of us and calls me forward, "the president will see you now, Mr. Mellark."_

I wake up in a cold sweat with a mild headache. I shake the cobwebs of the dream away, get out of bed and head to the living room. I've been put in the same penthouse we occupied during our first games. I perch on the familiar window seat and glance out at the capitol center and its lights.

I glance to my left and can almost see Katniss sitting beside me. I wonder if she is okay.

I've been kept isolated ever since Enobaria, Johanna and I were rescued from the Quarter Quell Arena. I've not seen either woman since then and I have no idea what happened to Katniss, Finnick or Beetee.

I know my dream was a manifestation of the anxiety of seeing Snow tomorrow. I'm worried that he'll think Katniss was in league with the other victors. I don't dwell on that part of the dream, instead my mind wanders back to her being pregnant, really pregnant. We looked older in the dream and thought we don't seem happy, I can't help but picture it again.

I have the strong desire to draw her, to capture us as a family but don't, last thing I need is for the Capitol to get into my mind. Knowing that sleep won't come tonight, I make myself a cup of tea, sit back and watch the sun rise.

I've slept only a few hours but I don't feel very tired so I get dressed and wait on the couch patiently. A few hours later two peacekeepers escort me to my audience with President Snow.

 **Let's be clear, won't close my eyes**

I follow the men through the door, down another long corridor with an even larger door at the end of the hall. Another man opens the door and announces me. "Mr. Mellark, sir."

I hear Snow before I see him."Come in, come in my boy. I was just fending off some of your rabid fans, sit down."

I sit across from him. The doors close and I am staring into the face of the leader of Panem. He looks irritated, I don't wonder why any more. I just want to fix it, we've sacrificed too much already.

"Sir," I greet.

"So formal, my boy, I think you can call me Snow."

"I apologize." I reply but my eyes catch sight of a projection set up on his desk.

It's showing the Quarter Quell, its right after I'd hit the force field. Katniss has her arms around me and I marvel at the scene. I remember watching our first games and I feel like I'm back on that loveseat. I glance around paranoid that a crowd or Caesar Flickerman will pop out of nowhere to gauge my reaction but nothing happens and I relax enough to study the clip.

 _'You were dead. You were dead,'_ she keeps mumbling holding me tighter with every word. I try to recall the moment but I'd been too out of it to fully appreciate it. Snow looks at me and I wipe all expression off my face.

"I believe her anguish is genuine, don't you?"

"I do."

Snow graciously nods his head, "I wanted to thank you."

"Sir...um Snow."

"For the success of your interview, you've surpassed my wildest expectations."

"I was just saying how I felt, Katniss did too."

"Which makes it all the more effective. You know the difference between reality and destructive adolescent fantasies."

The projection changes to us talking in Katniss' room the day of the Quell, I'm not surprised he has this footage, thankfully most our conversation is quiet and only the last of it is audible.

" _I don't want anybody else in there just you." Katniss says._

" _If that's what you want.'" I reply._

" _That's what I want."_

 _There's a knock at the door and she looks at it anxiously._

" _See you soon." I get up and leave._

I had wanted to kiss her one last time but it would made it obvious I was planning on dying and I hadn't wanted to stress her more.

" _Peeta?" she scoots off the bed and throws her arms around me, she whispers something quickly and I leave._

" **We find each other first."** Is what she had said.

 **And I know that I can survive**

Snow switches it to another scene, its our interviews from the Quell. "You were always the thoughtful one. Less impulsive than Katniss at least before this."

" _If it weren't for the baby." I say and the crowd goes crazy demanding the games be ended._

 _Cesar tells me to go, I run up the stairs to where she is standing and hug her. She hugs me back, lets go of me and grabs the hand of the victor beside her. He does the same and soon all the other victors have followed suit, we all raise our hands to show we are united then the lights go out._

"If Panem follows her arrow into a civil war, we'll witness something far worse than the dark days."

"She never wanted a war."

"And there won't be one if Peeta Mellark, still has anything to say about it."

"I don't know what more there is for me to say. I'm sick of the blood and from what I've seen, its more in the hands of the peacekeepers."

"My boy, there might be a hundred things in a home that need to be fixed. That doesn't justify burning it to the ground. We agreed a war might end humanity. Keep saying that with the sincerity that comes so natural to you."

"There's only so much that the people are willing to hear, at some point they will stop listening." I say.

"Mr. Mellark, sometimes in this world, whether we intend it or not we become symbols. For instance I am a symbol of power and formality like the seal on the door. Which means I can't always reach into a living room, that has to come from a friend, from someone people feel they might know. A baker's son. The sooner these uprisings are put to rest, the sooner you'll see your home again."

"So you're asking me to be what sir, your voice of reason?"

"You've understand everything but one small detail. I'm not asking."

 **I'll walk through fire to save my life**

The projection changes once more and its District Twelve. I don't recognize the area, its near the edge of woods. I lean forward waiting for something to show up on the screen. I hear the crunching of boots on snow and hear Katniss, she's not alone. She comes into view with Gale hot on her trail.

Snow glances at me but I refuse to give him the satisfaction of seeing my discomfort.

She and Gale are talking but its too low, I strain to hear the conversation and Snow obliges me by raising the volume and I wish he hadn't immediately.

" _Are you coming to the train station?" she asks._

" _Think you have enough people saying goodbye without me there." Gale replies._

I don't want to see it but I haven't been dismissed. Snow is smirking and I realize that its one of many punishments for the marriage and baby lie, I knew he hadn't believed me.

" _Only a few, I actually care about." Katniss says._

" _It might be easier if I didn't," he says bitterly._

 _Katniss looks at the ground._

I feel angry at Gale for making her feel bad when she'd already been dealing with so much. This must have been the day before we left for the Victory Tour. We'd been so far apart then that I had avoided her until the cameras had shown up, so I had no idea what had been going on in her life at that point.

" _It's only a few weeks, I'll be back before the snow melts," she reassures him._

" _Yeah, a lot can happen in a few weeks."_

"President Snow..."

"In a moment son, this is the best part."

" _We gonna do this again?" Katniss asks. "Gale it was an act."_

Snow pauses the scene, "was it?"

"What sir?" I'm being purposely vague because that part of our history still haunts me.

"Her love for you in the Games."

"No."

"Are you sure?" he asks playfully but the smile on his face is malicious.

"You've obviously seen our rooms. We spent most nights together especially during the victory tour."

"Fair point, Mr. Mellark," he says and lets the scene continue.

" _Yeah, it was a good one." Gale mutters._

" _I did what I had to do to survive. If I didn't I'd be dead-" She doesn't finish explaining because Gale has pulled her into a kiss._

I force myself to watch, this was what everybody had tried to hide from me. Probably thought I would fall apart if I saw it. Haymitch had actually tried to tell me that she didn't know how she felt but I knew. I always knew that she had never felt the same for me.

 _Gale lets her go and she looks at him dazed, "I had to do that...at least once," he says then leaves._

I'd hoped that she would, I wanted so badly to believe she might one day but deep down, I knew it was too much to ask of her. It didn't change anything, I would go to my grave loving her.

Snow stops the projection. "You claimed that Ms. Everdeen...excuse me Mrs. Mellark was pregnant, is she?"

"Yes," I reply.

"So even though she's been faithless to you, you're sure that the baby is yours."

"She wasn't."

"That's right as far as you knew she wasn't. I assume you'd never seen this footage before."

"No sir."

"You really love her, how remarkable. Do you think she loves you as well?"

"Yes she does." I think back to her sobbing after I'd died. I recall how she shook in my arms after Finnick revived me, I remember the feel of her lips as we kissed on the beach. "I know she does."

"We shall see my boy."

 **And I want it, I want my life so bad**

" _When are you coming home?" Prim asks._

" _I don't know."_

" _Katniss has been sick." Prim says._

" _The pregnancy has been hard on her, " I say._

" _You sound different," she says._

" _I am different."_

" _Why?" she asks._

" _It's what she wants."_

" _Do you always do what she wants? Do you ever do something for yourself?" She asks._

" _She's my life."_

I don't sleep much after that dream. All I keep picturing is how disappointed Prim sounded. I get up, eat and dress, I have another meeting today and have no time to dwell on dreams.

"Good morning, Peeta," Portia greets me while busily rummaging through racks full of clothing that my prep team keep wheeling in.

"Am I doing a fashion show?" I ask her.

"You must look perfect today." She says throwing jackets, pants and shirts onto the growing pile of discarded clothing.

I study the clothes and moved aside some gray and black suits, purple and green suits and one that matched Caesar's orange face perfectly. "What's the look we're going for?"

"Innocent," she says quietly.

"Like a lamb to the slaughter."

She nods then starts crying. "Oh, Peeta. It's so unfair."

I hug her and she sobs into my shoulder, "they think Katniss was involved in the escape from the Arena. They think she knew but that you covered it up so that she could get away."

"That's not very original of them is it?"

"How can you joke like that. They could kill you," Portia replies angrily.

"As long as they don't get Katniss, they can do whatever they want to me."

"You don't mean that."

"I do. As long as she's safe they can't hurt me." I say and let her go.

She wipes her eyes and goes back to looking at the clothes. She pulls out a pair of white slacks and a cream jacket, "I like these."

I pull out a white shirt and hand it to her. "This one."

My prep team comes in and they change me into my outfit and do my hair. Portia does up the buttons on the shirt and adjusts the collar which ends in a point just under my chin. "I don't like this shirt, it looks like its hurting you."

"It'll help remind me of what's at stake." I say and she helps me slip my jacket on.

She smooths the lines at my shoulder and give me a kiss on the cheek. "Be careful."

"I will."

We arrive at the studio and see Caesar already waiting for me, the cameras trained on the small set. I shake his hand and take my seat in one of the two chairs provided.

"Hello again, Peeta."

"Hello Caesar."

"Ready?"

"As always." I reply and the music from the Capitol TV News Channel begins. I glance at Portia and she sends me a kiss. I smile back and face Caesar.

"Hello. Good evening. And a big welcome to all Panem. I'm Caesar Flickerman. And whoever you are, whatever it is you're doing, if you're working put down your work. If you're having dinner, stop having dinner. Because you are going to want to witness this tonight. There has been rampant speculation about what really happened in the Quarter Quell. And here to shed some light on the subject for us is a very special guest. Please welcome Mr. Peeta Mellark."

The camera turns to me and I push down my fear and worry and bring up the victor I'm supposed to be, stoic and composed, not terrified at all.

"Peeta, a lot feel as though they are in the dark."

"Yeah, I know how they feel." I say.

"Now set the stage for us. Talk us through what really happened on that final and controversial night."

"First off, you have to understand that when you're in the Games you only get one wish. It's very costly."

"It costs your life."

"I think it costs more than your life."

Caesar looks confused. "How do you mean? What's more than your life?"

"I mean to murder innocent people, that costs everything that you are."

"Yes."

"So you hold on to that one wish. And that night my wish was to save Katniss and our child."

"Yes."

"I should've just run off with her earlier in the day like she wanted."

"But you didn't. Why? Were you caught up in Beetee's plan."

"No, I was caught up trying to play allies. And then they separated us and that's when I lost her." I look away for a second, not to play up the sympathy but because in this moment it hits me. I will never see her again. "And then the lightning hit and the whole force field around the arena just blew out."

"Yes, but, Peeta, Katniss is the one who blew it out."

"No." I want to explain but what part of what happened can I really say?

"You saw the footage."

"No, she didn't know what she was doing." I argue. "She wouldn't have risked..." I take a deep breath. "Neither of us knew there was a bigger plan going on. We had no idea."

"You had no idea?"

"No."

"All right. Well, Peeta, there are many who find this suspicious to say the least. It seems as though she was part of a rebel plan. "

"Do you think it was part of her plan to almost be killed by Johanna?" Now I'm agitated, Portia had been right, they were looking to blame her and I was her only defender but I was under a cloud of suspicion as well, anger was the only weapon I had left. "Or part of the plan to be paralyzed by lightning? No, we were not part of any rebel plan. We had no idea what was going on."

"All right. I believe you, Peeta Mellark. Thank you."

"Yeah." I say curtly.

"And I was going to ask you to speak about the unrest but I think you might be too upset."

"No. I can."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Thank you." Caesar says.

I try to settle myself. I shouldn't have gotten so riled up and I have to take a deep breath to really calm down. I don't look at Portia but I know that she is watching and willing me to convince the people, convince Snow of Katniss and I's innocence.

"I want everyone who's watching to stop and to think what a civil war could mean. We almost went extinct once before. And now our numbers are ever fewer. Is this really what we wanna do? Kill ourselves off? Killing is not the answer. Everyone needs to lay down their weapons immediately. For all of us."

"Are you calling for a cease fire?"

"Yeah, I am. I want everyone to stop the senseless violence. This is not the path to change. It's not the path to justice."

"Thank you Peeta. There you have it Panem. Goodnight."

The camera light goes off and I get up. Peacekeepers are there at the edge of the set waiting to escort me back to the training center quarters. Caesar doesn't look at me and when I get off the stage I realize that Portia is missing and that I'm not heading back to my room, they're taking me somewhere else.

 **I'm doing everything I can**

"She was arguably one of our favorite tributes." Caesar stated. "And I think that's what we all find most astonishing, is that this girl was adored in the Capitol. And I think for you, Peeta, it must be particularly painful."

I look at the rose in my hand. It was handed to me as I sat down. It was handed to me just after they killed my prep team, after they shot Portia right in front of me. I can still feel her blood on my skin, can still taste the metallic sweetness of it on my tongue from when it splashed across my face.

My suit, white and innocent had been painted with blood. I was the bait that led others to their death.

They don't let me bathe or have privacy to change. The clothes are taken off me and my face and hands are cleaned. A new and terrified stylist, who I don't bother to comfort, dresses me in a dark gray suit with streaks of white. I sit and wipe at my hands but I can't get the red out of my sight. I can't stop seeing the spray of it and feeling the stickiness of it as I tried to staunch Portia's wound.

The horrible gurgling sound of life escaping her while she clung to me and clumsily smiled and begged me with her last breath to stay safe, to protect myself, to protect what I loved. She died in my arms and I can still feel the weight of her and I can't cry because they don't deserve to use my grief.

I struggle on because I have to keep warning Katniss of what's to come. I have to force them to keep me on the air, I have to play the game. "I wish I could give this rose to you, Katniss." **'I'm not gonna live much longer.'**

"A sweet gesture to a girl who has inspired such violence. You must love her very much to be able to forgive her. I don't think that I could. Unless, of course, Peeta, you think that perhaps she's being forced into saying things she doesn't even understand."

"Yeah. That's exactly what I think. I think they're using her to whip up the rebels. I doubt she even knows what's happening. And what's really at stake." **'Don't let us die in vain, Katniss.'**

"Now, Peeta, I doubt that the rebels will ever let her see this. But if they do, what would you say to her? To Katniss Everdeen, the once sweet Katniss Everdeen, what would you say to her?"

"I would tell her to think for herself." The camera does a close up and I know that my face must fill up whatever screen she is seeing me on, if she can see me at all. **'Don't let them change you.'**

"Yes," Caesar nodded along agreeing with what I was saying.

I look off to the side and catch sight of Portia's body and I can't stop the tears from coming. I face the cameras and feel no shame as the tears roll down my cheeks. I should be allowed to cry for Portia and my prep team, for Johanna and myself. I should be allowed to mourn for what has been sacrificed.

"Don't be a fool, Katniss. I know you never wanted the rebellion. The things that you did in the Games were never intended to start all this." **'You should have let me die, like I was supposed to. You should have saved yourself.'** "The rebels have made you into something that you're not. Something that could destroy all of us. So if you have any power or any say in what they do or how they use you, please, please, urge them to stop this war before it's too late. And ask yourself can you trust the people you're working with? **'Remember who the enemy really is.'** "Do you know what they really want?"

"Thank you, Peeta Mellark, for these revelations about the real Mockingjay."

"Thank you, Caesar."

 **Then another one bites the dust**

They've beaten Johanna again last night. I was forced to watch like she watched me the night before. I keep waiting for them to go too far, hoping they would go too far. I wake every morning with the hope that today would be the end. That today I would be released from this hell.

They showed me a replay right before I went on, pressed on the newly formed scars to remind me to be a little good puppet. "Tonight, we've received reports of derailed trains. Of granaries on fire and of a savage attack on the hydroelectric dam in District 5. I'm begging for restraint and decency."

I read what they tell me to read, my throat hurts from lack of water and screaming, from beatings that will soon turn me into a mental avox. Then I see it...I see her, I hear her singing.

"Katniss? Katniss, are you there? Katniss?"

District 12 was gone...it was all ruins. She was well, healthy and so strong. She walked what remained of our homes, past the merchant quarter. My family and home were gone but Katniss, like a phoenix had risen from the ashes. She sang and I tried to not sing along, she'd taught me the meaning of it our last night together. We were supposed to meet at midnight at the lightning tree.

"Peeta, please continue," Caesar urges me looking scared.

 **'Everything was gone, everything I cared about. Except her, she was still alive.'**

"You were telling us about the savage attacks," Caesar prompted nervously glancing at the gathering peacekeepers waiting behind the cameras.

"Yeah. The attack on the dam was a callous and inhuman act of destruction..."

" _Where a dead man called out for his love to flee." Katniss interrupted._

 **'I'm dead Katniss. Don't die with me.'** "Think about it. How will this end? What will be left? No one can survive this. No one is safe now. Not here. Not in any of the districts."

"End the transmission!" someone hisses but I keep going.

"They're coming, Katniss. They're gonna kill everyone. And in District 13 you'll be dead by morning!" I shout just as they pull me away from the monitor. "Run Katniss!" I shout not sure if she can still see me, I don't stop shouting until they pin me and smash my face against the floor.

Blood gushes out of my nose and mouth and I taste it but I don't care. It was over. It was finally over. I start laughing, hysteria taking over the adrenaline. "You won't get her."

"Mr. Mellark. I had high hopes that you would be reasonable."

I can't see anything but his shoes not that it matters, I know exactly who is standing over me. "Whatever you do to me won't matter." One of the peacekeepers kicks me in the stomach and I wheeze but my laughter won't be silenced. "She is safe, you can't touch her, she's safe."

"We'll see," Snow says.

 **It's hard to lose a chosen one**

I'm dragged to the cell, they strip me and throw me in. They no longer have to worry about the cameras, about covering the bruises, cuts and scars. They don't need me, I've done my part and I failed.

They don't mess up with me, they're careful about the voltage. They inject me and show me dreams and nightmares that don't end. I try to give up but I'm hardwired to fight and I do. Then there's blood and pain and more blood and more pain. There's nothing but tools and instruments pulling and yanking at my skin, at Johanna's skin, at others.

We hear each other's screams, crying and eventually only the mutterings of the crazed. They take my prosthetic when I'm brought back and I crawl on my belly and sit in the corner of my cell. They carry me out now, I've no strength to move or hold on to anything on my own. They tie me down so I don't fall off the operating tables like before. All the injuries have to come from them.

I'm put on a chair, my eyelids are forced open, and a familiar needle enters my skin, over and over. The images I see are bright, shinny, they move in irregular patterns. The images are always different, sometimes they're loud, sometimes they're silent but they all have one thing in common, Katniss Everdeen and she is always trying to kill me.

I can't see, its dark. Its always dark lately. I like the dark. There's only light when they come for us, when they experiment on us. Lights frighten me, people frighten me. I hear shouts. It could be the guards. It could be the rebels, it could be her.

I'd fight but I'm so tired. I curl into my corner, close my eyes and wait, I don't move once I'm there. I never move until they pick me up. I smell something in the air, I open my eyes and see smoke, a haze of bodies coming in, there's so many of them or so it seems. My mind is not my own anymore.

One comes closer but I close my eyes, the smoke is sweet and calming. I relax and breath it in, willing it to be the end of this nightmare. I breath it in and I know nothing more.

 **You did not break me**

I wake in another bright room. I don't fight them as they check me over. "Mr. Mellark we have to remove your clothing." I don't say anything and they take my silence as a yes.

They close, cleanse and bandage my wounds. I'm put in new clothes that feel and smell like the clothes I came in with. I'm told to sit as they do more tests, there's no needles this time not that it matters. Everything they do is written down and they circle me like vultures.

I hear the door open behind me, another doctor. There's so many of them and only one of me. One takes my blood pressure another checks my head and yet another stands by the door, probably observing me. They'll be bored soon, I am a model patient. I don't scream anymore.

Someone else comes in and the doctors leave. I shiver involuntarily, I know its not Snow but terror takes hold of me and I'm glad I was taken to the bathroom before I was brought to this room. I keep my head down, if I don't provoke whoever it is, maybe they'll leave.

"Peeta," she says.

I lift my head, sniffing the air like a dog. I know that scent. I know that voice.

She moves slowly and I breath in and out. My heart is thundering in my ears, blood is rushing through my body and I clench and unclench my hands, I can't show fear. I've come too far to fail now. I've come too far... **'what am I supposed to do again?'**

' _Are you, are you coming to the tree?' '_ **'I came to the tree, you weren't there, I hung alone.'**

She looks sad, like she's hurting. **'I don't know her, I don't know me. Who is she fooling? Who is she deceiving now?'** The images are brighter now and louder. **'She's darkness masquerading as light, she pretends all the time. She doesn't care, she only wants one thing and I can't give her that. I have to do something this time. I have to...'**

She's getting closer, reaching for me. Her fingers are long and curved and her mouth is surely hiding sharp teeth. **'I'm next...I'm next. I won't be next.'** I will die but I 'll take her with me. I lunge and grab her neck with both hands. _'Wear a necklace of rope, side by side with me.'_

"Peeta!" Haymitch yells.

But I can't let him distract me, she'll kill him too, like she killed my parents and brothers.

"Peeta! Get off! Get off of her!" he shouts and pulls at me.

 **'She'll kill us all. Don't you see? She's the harbinger of death. District 12 died for her. 13 almost died for her, I've died for her. You will too.'** I try to say all this but I've not spoken for so long. I don't remember how to say what I need.

"Let go!" I manage to get out and shove Haymitch and whoever else stands in my way. I will kill the mutt and then I'll be free.

 _'I told you to run so we'd both be free.'_

We're on the floor, I have her now, I'm squeezing with whats left of me. She's weakening, she's not fighting me, her arms fall to the side and her eyes are closing, something hits me then it all goes black.

 **You did not break me, no**

The machines are loud and I struggle to hold on, I struggle against the drugs. Against the visions of her, of us. I close my eyes and drift back into the void.

 _It's night time, I like the night. I can make out trees around me. I can see the careers' stuff but they are nowhere to be found._

 _A glint of something catches my eye and I look up. A parachute, sparkling in the darkness and its heading towards an outstretched hand. Its a small hand but it could be the height. The hand grips the container and drags it into the shadow._

 _I get up quietly, not wanting to make my presence known to whoever is in the tree. I move backwards carefully but an arrow flies through the air and pins my jacket to the ground. I scramble to get out of it but whoever shot it is out of the tree and standing in front of me._

" _Hey Peeta, where you going?" she asks._

" _Nowhere, Katniss."_

" _Its cold," she says._

" _I know, I was gonna make a fire."_

" _We could share, I have a sleeping bag," she offers it to me."Or you can sleep up there with me."_

" _Its not big enough for both of us and I can't climb a tree."_

 _She lays down the sleeping bag, unzips it and spreads it out. I look at it skeptically. She pats it and I lay beside her. "See we both fit."_

" _Barely," I reply._

" _I can fix that." She moves closer to me, wraps her arm around my middle, slides her leg in between mine and she lays her head on my shoulder, "now we fit."_

" _Katniss?"_

" _Yes, Peeta."_

" _What's gonna happen to us?"_

" _We'll survive," she says._

" _What if we can't, what if-"_

 _She shushes me with a kiss. "I won't let that happen. We go together."_

" _On three." I say._

" _On three," she says and we kiss again, it tastes of berries._

 **I'm still fighting for peace**

I awake slowly, my body feels tired and achy. I feel a weight on my neck and immediately grip at the thing on it. I start to hyperventilate but Boggs comes into view and pulls my hands away.

"No, Katniss, no you're swollen. Don't touch it, calm down, calm down. You're okay."

 **'What happened? Where am I? Where's Peeta? What going on?'** I desperately want to say all these things but I can feel the constriction on my throat. I glance at the nurse that enters my room hoping for answers.

"Tell them she's awake." Boggs tells the woman. He turns back to me but everything is blurry. "Katniss?"

"Huh?" I can feel sleep pulling at me.

"Never mind." I hear him say as if from far away.

" _Hi!"_

" _Hi!"_

 _We're back in the cave but its not damp and the holes are covered. Its warm and homey and smells like..."What are you doing?" I ask._

" _I'm baking," he says. "Why are you here?"_

" _I'm done hunting." I reply._

" _Wanna sit?" he asks._

" _Sure. I got squirrel." I say._

" _I made your favorite soup, I'm just sorry it's not fresh," he holds up a can of Lamb stew._

" _Is the bread fresh?"_

" _Have a bite," he takes a chunk and rips in half. He hands me a bowl of the warm soup and the bread._

 _I dip my piece greedily into it and take a bite. I groan at how delicious it is and he laughs. I dip my bread again and hold it out to him. He leans forward and takes a bite of it. He fills up another bowl and retrieves a couple of spoons, I take his bowl and put it down. "Share with me."_

" _Why?"_

" _Because I want to feed you." I get a healthy spoonful of creamy soup and hold it out to him._

" _Do I get to feed you too?"_

" _You first," I say and he opens his mouth obediently and I guide the spoon in. He swallows and using the same spoon, he feeds me too. We do this back and forth until we finish it all. "Want to eat the other bowl?" I say mischievously._

" _Sure, why let it go to waste," he replies and we finish it same as the first._

" _I'm am officially full," I say putting the bowls aside._

" _Me too. Want to take a nap?"_

 _I notice the sleeping bags zipped together against the corner. I take my shoes and jacket off, he does the same and we slide in. He zips us up and I curl up against him. "I've missed this so much. I've missed you."_

" _I'll always be here."_

" _Always?" I ask._

" _Anytime you need me but I might need your help," he says._

" _Why?"_

" _I might get lost...I might need you to guide me back," he looks down at me. "Don't give up on me."_

" _Why would I?"_

" _Because it might be too hard, it might be too painful...but I promise its possible," he says._

" _I won't give up. I'll guide you back." I lean up and kiss him._

 **Well, I've got thick skin and an elastic heart,**

I gradually wake this time. I squint at the ceiling until it comes back in focus. Boggs is still siting beside me. Then it all comes back and I'm desperate for answers.

" **Pe-"**

"Don't try to talk. Peeta's okay I promise. I just had to get him off." Boggs reassures me.

 **'It had been a dream. Stopping the rebellion with our love story that had been a dream. The mentoring of little Lionel. Being married, the baby, it had all been a dream. A terrible dream where Peeta no longer cared for me and I had been unable to do anything about because I had caused all of it.'**

"It's called Hijacking." Plutarch said interrupting the jumble that is my thoughts. "We don't know how long the capitol's been doing this to Peeta."

"Its fear conditioning, enhanced with tracker jacker venom. You were stung on your first games, remember, " Beetee explained.

 **'I want to go back to the dream, he's still him there. He may not like me but he doesn't hate like he does here.'**

 **But your blade—it might be too sharp**

I blink in response and he continues but I don't want or need to hear anything else. The brace around my neck tells me more than I need to know about what they've done to Peeta. I hear beatings and torture but closed my mind to the rest of his words. I don't want to picture what happened to him, what he had to endure because of me.

Snow wanted me to convince him, I did. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. I convinced him that Peeta was my weakness and he turned the boy with the charm and gentleness into this.

Even now I can see that face so pale and thin, long purple bruises marring his skin. Hands that were bony and frail but had enough strength to push Haymitch and others off him while he gripped my throat with an iron grip.

It was like touching a cracked mirror, some pieces were smooth and unblemished and others were cracked and jagged.

 **I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard,**

"They can change his memories of Katniss?" Prim asks

"To make her seem life threatening." Beetee answers.

"They turned him into a weapon, Katniss. To kill you."

Dream Haymitch's words comes back to me as if the real Haymitch had uttered them. ' _You've actually fallen for him._ _You know I feel sorry for you.'_

"But you can reverse it." Prim isn't asking.

"Fear is the most difficult thing to overcome, we're hardwired to remember fear best." Beetee says.

"Its new terrain, but we've put together a team. I'm optimistic." Plutarch interrupts.

 **Yeah, I may snap and I move fast**

I glance at Beetee, he's trying to figure out if what Plutarch just said is possible, he doesn't look like he thinks so. Prim is holding my hand but I can tell she's already thinking of what can be done.

Boggs looks sorry and I turn away from it. I don't want anybody's pity. I have enough of my own.

Finally I look at Haymitch, he looks terrible, the alcohol withdraw is evident though he looks more alert. He also looks too much like worried friend of my dreams.

 _'Katniss, he can love you again.'_

I want to pull him aside and ask him. I want him to tell me in his mean and sarcastic way that Peeta can be saved, that I can be the one to save him. That I have the strength to do it.

 **But you won't see me fall apart**

I know they're watching me. I know they want me to be okay now that he's here but how can I be what they want when he is still so lost to me. He's hasn't come back, he's still held captive.

I slide off the bed and scan the corridor outside my door before I gingerly push it open and walk out of my room. No alarms go off and no one comes immediately to escort me back and I breathe a sigh of relief. I can hear the sounds of cheering as Coin addresses the whole of District 13.

I should be concerned but I'm not. I don't care about the propaganda, I don't care what Alma Coin's aspirations are right now. All I care about is seeing Peeta with my own two eyes. I want to see if he really is okay like they said.

I know that everybody else will lie to me, I am the Mockingjay, and I need to focus on the battles to come not on the boy who's become my partner in the horror of the games.

I keep walking until I find the nurses station, there is no one manning the place, most of them are probably listening to the speech, good, the better for me to get a real look at Peeta.

I see the wall with his picture and data on it. He looks so much worse than the flashes I remembered before I passed out. His blond hair is cut short and jagged, his face holds none of the healthy glow or fullness that I'm used to seeing on him. Even before the games I never saw him look this battered.

I can't bear to see him like this but I need to see the real Peeta, and I need to touch him with my hands. I look to the right and see a long hallway with a single white door and an oval window cut into it. I shiver and realize that it's not the cold floor that gave me a chill. Somewhere beyond that door lies the boy with the bread.

And I have no idea what condition he is in and I am terrified to find out.

 **Cause I've got an elastic heart**

I make myself walk down the corridor and push the door slowly. There's nothing on the other side of the door expect for three large observation windows. I don't hesitate to go to them, Peeta is near and the knowledge is pulling me forward, towards him.

The entire room is white, the walls, the floors and even the bed. Even the figure on the bed is wearing white and it's the absence of color that makes everything that is revealed that much more horrifying. Bit by bit Peeta starts to come into view and I almost recoil.

"What have they done to you?"

Peeta's blond hair is plastered to his head, the sweat soaked strands outlining his skull and enhancing the scabs around his ears and neck, his body is unnaturally skinny but even that doesn't stop the violent bouncing of the bed as he throws himself against it.

His hands, his beautiful baker's hands, the ones that comforted me through the nightmares. The ones that painted all our traumas and the portrait of Rue in the training center are tied down and blood seeps from his wrists which are rubbed raw from his thrashings.

His fingers are curled like talons and I touch my neck remembering those fingers wrapped around my throat. Once to pull me close for that kiss that warmed my insides and started that strange hunger I'd only known with him. The second when they closed around my windpipe, taking all my air and silencing my happiness at having him back safe and sound.

His feet are also tied and the blood from wrists and ankles mingle and create long streaks of red on the white bedding as his screaming and moving increases. He's tiring but I can't handle anymore. I turn away with a muffled sob.

 ** **I've got thick skin and an elastic heart****

"Katniss, what are you doing here?" Haymitch asks.

I shake my head unable to say anything because of the brace on my neck and because even if I could talk, nothing but wails would come from my mouth.

"This is exactly why you weren't allowed in here." He tries to pull me away but I struggle and run back to the window, back to the view of poor exhausted Peeta, who vainly pulls at his restraints.

"You're going to make yourself sick like this," he says and grabs me and turns me away from Peeta.

I clutch onto Haymitch and he envelops me in a hug, he's no longer interested in taking me out of the room. I think he's realized that dragging me out before I'm ready will only make things worse. I sag in his arms and runs a hand down my hair.

I turn and look at Peeta and I realize that his movements have been in sync with my crying, I'm almost cried out now and he's almost completely stopped struggling.

"Would you look at that, I guess you two are still connected," he says noticing we're both calmer.

I reach out and Haymitch says, "you can't see him yet, you know that right?"

I nod but I can't keep my eyes off him.

"We need to know how much they've actually done to him, once we can figure out what kind of trigger you are, then maybe you can be allowed to visit him. For now if you want to see him, it will have to be here. Coin will not allow you to be put in harm's way.

I nod again not taking my eyes of the now sleeping boy. He almost looks like I remember.

"Katniss, look at me."

I look at Haymitch and he grabs my hands tightly, "you cannot visit him unsupervised, not for any reason. Do you understand? Not one reason."

I tug my hands away and nod impatiently. **'Of course, I know that.'**

"Good. Okay. I think you've had enough excitement for today. You need to get rest. If you really want to help him, you have to follow my instructions. Just like in the first games. You want to save his life, listen to me."

I nod once more but before Haymitch can lead me out, I run back to the window and place my hand on the glass where Peeta's head is. **'I will save you. I'll take care of you. Please come back.'**

 ** ** **But your blade it might be too sharp******

I'm dreaming again but this time I know it's a dream.

" _Dance with me," he says pulling me out to the dance floor. I look around and see we are in the capitol, It's the last stop of the Victory Tour and we are in the President's mansion._

" _I keep thinking that they aren't so bad and then we see-"_

" _Peeta, can we just dance?"_

" _What?" he asks._

" _Can we just dance? I don't want to think about Snow's threat hanging above us, I don't want to think about the rebellion or how stupidly cruel the capitol and its citizen can be."_

" _Why?" he asks and takes me in his arms and swings me around. Other couples around us blur. I feel the jealous and admiring gazes but for once I pay attention only to Peeta._

" _People think we are in love." I say._

" _I don't think anybody but the capitol believes that."_

" _Is it so impossible to believe?" I ask._

 _Peeta looks at me and presses his cheek to my face. "You're not running a fever." He looks into my eyes and our noses touch, "you don't look tipsy."_

" _I only had two drinks." I say and the music changes to a slower rhythm. I slip my hands out of his and slide both around his neck. His blue eyes grow wide and I am happy to see that they are the same light blue I've always admired. His blond lashes flutter as I play with the hair at his nape._

" _I think I might be drunk, Katniss. Or I'm dreaming."_

 _I smile and pull him closer and he wraps his arms around me, my hem brushes the top of his shoes and I can feel the heat of him through the thin material of my dress._

" _Let's keep dreaming then." I whisper and press my lips against his._

 _He doesn't think twice as he moves his hands off my waist and slides them up to my face. It reminds me of the beach in the Quarter Quell. The dream starts to shimmer and I know that I'll wake up soon but I still struggle to hold on._

" _Katniss?"_ _The people around us are disappearing and the music is becoming fainter, "Katniss?"_

 _I look at Peeta and the color is fading from him as well but unlike the crowd, he's not disappearing. He's changing to match how he looks now, bruises grow and spread over his face. I grab his hands and feel the stickiness of his blood coat my fingers, "Peeta look at me."_

 _His eyes are darkening, the blue shade turning until it seems almost black, "Katniss what is happening?"_

 _I grip his face leaving red all over his cheeks, "I will help you, Peeta. I will get you back."_

" _Where am I going?" he asks growing confused and agitated._

" _Nowhere, you are here with me. This is where you will always be, promise me you'll stay with me."_

" _Always," he whispers and I kiss him._

"Katniss, wake up."

I startle awake and see Prim leaning over me.

"Are you okay?"

I feel for the brace and nod.

"Were you having a nightmare?" she asks.

I shake my head.

"I wanted to tell you that we are starting Peeta's treatment. You won't be able to see him yet but I'll let you know how it's going."

I grab her hands and she understands. "I'll tell you if there is any change."

I watch Prim pick up a chart and then head back to her job of fixing Peeta. I can't go back to sleep but I not allowed to leave the room so I call for a nurse. The same woman Boggs called comes in and I motion for her to get someone.

"I'll see what I can do but visiting hours aren't until one."

I nod again and she leaves me to stare at the ceiling.

 ** ** ** **I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard****  
****

"Hey Catnip."

I shoot up in bed at the greeting.

"Whoa, it's okay." He says and presses me back into the pillows. I hug him and he hugs me back gingerly, my neck brace getting in the way.

I tap at the outer edge of it and he shakes his head. "You have to keep it on for one more day. Most of the swelling has gone down but they're worried you'll start talking and well you can't."

I nod again, really sick of it and motion for some sort of writing implement.

Gale hands me a pad of paper and a pencil. I press the stubby bit of it too hard into the paper, ripping it a little but Gale is still able to make out what I wrote.

 _'Where have you been?'_ he reads.

"I've been training and creating things with Beetee."

I take the pad from his hands and write more.

 _'What kinds of things?'_

"Things to give us the advantage in the war." He explains.

 _'Weapons?'_

"You could call them that. Mostly things to slow Snow's armies down." He grabs the pad from my hands and holds them, I let him.

"I've missed you."

I mime that I've missed him too but he lets go of my hands as if I said something wrong. I probably did, I've never been good at this romance stuff. I look down helplessly at them.

 ** ** **I may snap and I move fast******

"Katniss, he wants to see you."

I nod and he lifts my chin, "you don't have to see him. Not if you're scared to, I can tell Coin that you don't want to and she'll listen to me."

I shake my head and write furiously. _'I need to!'_

"Why do you need to see him. He isn't the same, you know that right?"

I write again, _'I don't care.'_

"Of course you don't care but I do. What's stopping him from hurting you again?"

 _'Nothing,'_ I write and hold it up for him to read.

"Fine, but you're not doing it alone.

 _'Why not?'_

"Coin won't allow it," he replies to my written question.

He takes the pad from my hand and writes a single question. I pick up the pencil and carefully write out an answer. He reads my response and gets up, "you should be out of here soon. I'll see you later Katniss."

Gale doesn't storm out per say but he is clearly angry and I don't try to stop him. He doesn't understand my response and I can't explain it because I'm barely understanding it myself. Even if I do figure out how to tell him, Gale won't change his mind once its made up, he's been like that since we were kids. We are alike in this, stubborn.

I look down at the question _'Do you love him?'_ and its answer, _'I need him.'_

I rip the question and the answer out and fold the scrap neatly into a square and tuck it in my sleeve.

 ** **But you won't see me fall apart****

He's awake and lucid. He is curiously pulling at the restraints testing how far they'll go but there's no violence in his movements. The doctors are writing things down on their tablets and looking at the monitors around him.

Prim enters and my heart clenches, worry for my little sister's welfare jumping to the forefront.

"Hello, Peeta."

He watches her approach, he doesn't look scared or angry just guarded.

"How are you feeling?" She asks.

"Tired," he replies.

"Didn't get much sleep huh, hopefully that will change and you can rest properly and without those," she motions to the thick leathers tied to his wrists.

"That'd be nice."

"Okay." she writes something else down. "You wanted to see someone?"

"Her. I wanna see her."

"Why do you want to see Katniss?"

"I'm supposed to. They said it will help me make sense of things."

I stray closer to the glass separating us and he glances at it. I know he can't see me but those cloudy eyes, sapphire blue with hatred in my nightmares and sky blue in my dreams, feel so close that I can feel them as if he were standing right in front of me.

I hold his gaze not sure what we are trying to communicate to each other.

"She's here, isn't she? Watching me."

"What makes you say that?" Prim asks.

"I can feel it. I can feel her watching me. She did it when I got here."

"How does that make you feel?"

I want to tell Prim to stop asking, stop talking. I don't want to hear that voice turn angry and start cursing me, to start screaming that I'm evil or that I'll kill us all.

"Odd"

I jolt at his answer. **'Odd?' what does that mean?'**

"What do you mean?" Prim asks and I am deeply thankful that my sister has always been so intuitive, another trait she and Peeta share.

"It feels weird. I don't know why she cares now, she didn't care before."

I leave the room before I hear Prim ask more questions. I run back to my room and clutch the paper and the pearl it cocoons and I mumble over and over, "I cared. I always cared. I did."

 ** ** ** **Cause I've got an elastic heart********

The dreams are coming more often now and I dread being awake. Its strange that I'm dreaming of snippets of the life that could have been, I know that its my longing for those problems rather than this living nightmare that keeps me dreaming but I don't care. I've dealt with enough, its my escape, its better than morphling and as long as I continue doing what Coin wants, they let me be.

Prim leaves a note in my room. 'Still the same,' it reads and I go back to sleep.

 _"Do you Katniss Everdeen take Peeta Mellark to be your lawfully wedded husband?"_

 _"I do." but inside I am screaming._

 _"By the power of Panem, I pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."_

 _He smiles, I smile and we kiss._

 _The crowd errupts around us. The screens around us play the reception and I try to look happy as we dance and mingle. The night ends exactly as we expected._

 _"Katniss!"_

 _He's been pounding on the door of our room for the last five minutes. I lay on the bed trying to ignore him but the meek Peeta that I knew from our first games is not here right now. This is the hurt Peeta from after my deception and unlike the last time, he wants to talk._

 _"Talk to me."_

 _"Go away!" I shout._

 _"Katniss, open this door!"_

 _Its so strange to hear him sound genuinely angry that I actually leave the safety of my bed. I creep closer to the door but I'm sick with what's just happened to us and I can't help but be more defiant, if only to prove they haven't broken me in. "No." I shout back._

 _I hear footsteps and hear Haymitch telling him that he needs to calm down but Peeta is not listening to anybody right now. "This is between Katniss and I, we need to resolve this."_

 _"She's not ready," Haymitch defends me._

 _"She'll never be ready, nobody could be ready for this Haymitch." Peeta says exasperated. "We had to do this, Snow threatened us. Nobody in their right mind would choose what we are. I wouldn't have done it if I had another choice."  
_

 _I angrily throw the door open, finally giving him what he wants. "It didn't seem to bother you a couple of hours ago, you seemed to be okay with me then, so what exactly is it that we have to talk about? You got what you wanted."  
_

 _He searches my eyes and I realize that I've hurt him."I didn't want-"_

 _I interrupt him, "so now you don't want me? Is that it? It's a little too late to change your mind."_

 _"Do you honestly think that what went on at that stupid reception was real? I did what you asked me to do. What we agreed to do but it doesn't make me happy."_

 _"Why does that matter?" I ask. "We're married now, we're stuck together."_

 _He grabs my hand, the one wearing the matching ring to his. I see Haymitch leave from the corner of my eye but Peeta is focused only on me. "Katniss, we maybe stuck in this situation but it doesn't mean that we can't make the best of it. We can be happy but you have to want to be."_

 _"How can we? We are his prisoners...forever."_

 _"We make our own prisons. Snow can't control how we feel, that's what he wants. Let's start fresh and do it our way. Take our time and then we'll figure out the rest, together."  
_

 _"It's not that easy." I turn away from him and his hopeful words and his pleading eyes._

 _"_ _ _I only want to be as important to you as you are to me.__ _ _ _You don't have to love me.__ " He says it matter of factly._

 _He says it like this is the only obstacle and I know that he's right. He can love enough for the both of us._ _How is that fair to him? If we do as he says aren't I agreeing to another debt I must repay somewhere down the road? "No, Peeta. It wouldn't be right."_

 _He looks at me and I see something that's never been there before. Resignation. "_ _ _H_ ave a goodnight," he says and leaves.  
_

I wake up in the dark and climb out of my closet but don't leave my room.

 ** ** ** ** **I've got thick skin and an elastic heart**********

"You wanted to talk to me?"

"Look at you," he says eyeing Gale standing guard at the door.

"I don't know why." I say.

"I needed..."he trails off.

"I can do a twirl for you." Before he can reply, I do just that, it's reminiscent of my first interview with Caesar. Gale looks at me kinda of appalled but I don't care because I can still see the disappointed Peeta from this afternoon's dream and I don't want to see him again, not yet.

"You looked prettier before." He blurts out.

I hear Haymitch in my earpiece telling me to behave but I can't keep the sarcasm from escaping. "Well you've looked better."

Whatever Haymitch was gonna say is muffled by Peeta's laugh, "and not even nice, to say that to me after all I've been through."

"You're the one who's was nice not me." I say and I hear both Haymitch and Gale warningly say my name. "Besides, you never minded before."

"Before?"

"Whatever they did to you."

"I don't remember before," he says and I inch closer.

"I know."

"I remember about the bread, it was before the games," he states.

"It was." I try to move closer and I feel Gale grab onto my arm.

Peeta turns his head and smiles but its a smile I've only seen in the dreams, cold, mocking and vacantly capital. "She had lots of moments with you, a kiss. I remember that." He turns his smile on me now. "I must have loved you a lot to be okay with that."

"You did." I say but I can't help feel that old anger coursing through my veins then something nags at me. **'How did he know about my kiss with Gale?'**

"And did you love me?"

"Everybody said I did, everybody says that's why Snow had you tortured. To break me." I reply.

 _'You don't have to love me._ ' **'He had told me that in my dream, did that mean he felt like that in reality? Had he always felt that way?'** Even in dreams my subconscious is trying to wake me, trying to tell me that I am the key to unlocking him from his mind.

"That's not an answer," he says.

Gale can see me crumbling and I know that Haymitch just ordered for me to get out of there. Peeta is no longer looking at me. Now he is lost in his head again because I couldn't do the one thing required of me. **'What the hell is wrong with me? Have the dreams not been enough? Have they not shown what awaits me if I continue like this?'**

And that's it, that's what stops me. I don't want the dreams or this reality to continue, I want old Peeta back. I have to merge the dreams and the reality, I have to guide him like I promised.

"I need you." I say and dash out before anybody can stop me or I say something really stupid.

 ** ** ** ** **But your blade it might be too sharp****** ****

" _I don't want to, Katniss."_

" _It's time."_

" _Snow said we had..." he trails off not sure how to phrase it._

 _I almost crack a smile, "Peeta Mellark lost for words. Who knew it was possible."_

" _The deadline isn't for another month. It doesn't have to be today."_

" _I know that he's given us time as a reward for staving off the rebellion but he's getting impatient Peeta and we can't anger him so early on." I can't believe that I am being the voice of reason. I guess Peeta really has rubbed off on me. "He wants to know that the Mockingjay has been caged."_

 _Peeta blanches and I wish I had kept that comment to myself._

" _This isn't right."_

" _None of this has ever been right,"I say._

 _He nods and I pretend that I don't see the shininess in his eyes and I pretend mine aren't equally shiny._

" _I've never done this." He whispers._

" _Me neither."_

 _He seems shocked and I almost say that the most I've ever done besides kissing him is the one time Gale kissed me but I don't. My best friend has no business in this, there's enough people in this marriage._

 _It's never wracking and too intimate. Even stripping him at the stream would have seemed less awkward and that was with the whole of Panem watching. Not that I wouldn't put it pass Snow to be watching this to make sure we went through with it._

 _Just the thought of him watching something so private makes me feel sick and Peeta reading my mind turns off the light. I hear the rustling of his clothes as he removes them and I take the opportunity to do the same._

 _I've never slept without clothing but I just tell myself that its like being naked in front of my prep team._

 _Peeta moves in beside me and he grips my hand and I squeeze back and we both laugh nervously._

 _He pulls on my hand and I turn into his tug. We're pressed chest to hip, he's as smooth as me courtesy of the Capitol and I can't help compare the hairless nature of his body to the few whiskers on his face that have dared to defy the Capital's grooming._

" _Do you hate it?" he asks tentatively._

 _I press a soft kiss to his jaw and feel the response tremble through his body. "I don't hate anything about you, I'm just scared."_

" _I won't hurt you," he says and kisses me._

 _He doesn't lie, Peeta has always been truthful with me even when it was painful so I don't know why I'm so nervous. Then I realize that underneath the nervousness is actual excitement._

 ** _'Why a_ _m I so worried?_ _This is Peeta, the boy who has saved me in so many ways. The only boy who ever made me feel desire. The boy that never took advantage of me even when I practically slept on top of him.'_**

 _It's funny because in that moment I'm the one that becomes the aggressor. I pull on his lovely blonde hair, run my hands down his back and tug him closer. I'm the one wanting and needing more of him. He gives and gives because he's always been that way._

 _We fit like pieces of a puzzle and it frightens me that we are so succinctly joined, that my body didn't protest at the invasion of his. It was more of a welcoming and he is showing remarkable restraint, in fact he's a little too reserved in his movements._

 _His hands don't stray any further than the sides of my breasts and he's keeping most of himself off me. This isn't what I expected and it dawns on me, he's actually trying not to enjoy himself._ ** _'Is there no end to what he'll do for me?'_**

 _I feel sadness that he's repressing how he feels about me, that I've made him think he has to and I don't want that. If we are to do this, I want all of him. I want my charming and gregarious Peeta._

 _I want the one that I've glimpsed in little moments, like when I haven't fully changed into my pajamas and he turns too quickly. The one who's hands have occasionally strayed during sleep. I want the one that will make me blush when we wake in the morning. I want that experience I've only heard whispers of in the Hob._

 _I allow the tension to leave my body and give in to the sensation, "Peeta?'_

" _Thank you."_

 _He glances down at me, finally meeting my eyes since we started this, "for what?"_

" _For being you. Because if I had to do this with anyone, I couldn't have asked for anybody better."_

" _You mean it?"_

 _I nod._

" _You okay?"_

" _You?" I ask wrapping my arms around him as much as our positions will allow._

" _Good," he whispers. "Very good."_

" _I want this, I want you." I say with every kiss I place on him. "I want to enjoy this."_

 _He presses a kiss to my forehead and he shows me how much he loves me._

 _I don't want to give up this closeness but at some point afterward he rolls off me and lays pensively staring at the ceiling. "Katniss?"_

 _I sit up uncaring that the sheet has slipped off me and that I'm bare to his eyes. "You want to know if I regret it?"_

 _He averts his eyes from me and nods._

 _I turn his face towards me. "No, do you?"_

" _How could I? It's a dream come true-"_

" _But?"_

 _ _"I'm just sorry it happened like this,"_ he says and relaxes against my side. _" _I couldn't ever regret being you,"_

" _Stay here with me." I say and burrow into his warmth without waiting for an answer. He promptly falls asleep without giving one. I drift off but wake up in the middle of the night frantically looking for him._

" _It's okay, Katniss. I'm here."_

" _You were gone...I couldn't reach you." I grip his arm and he tucks me against him._

" _I'm here, it's alright. I'm not going anywhere," he reassures me._

This last dream forces me out of my bed. I sneak into his room and wait for him to wake. I don't care what happens. I don't care if I get punished. It's my turn to be here for him, like he's always been for me.

I'm caught by one of the nurses and it is only under threat of sedation that I finally leave. I get hell as soon as it gets out that I had snuck into his room. "What the hell where you thinking, Katniss? He could have attacked you and nobody would have been able to help you!"

"He's tied up, Gale, I don't think he can break his restraints." I mutter playing with the paper that holds my pearl, I hear the door of my room open and I know I'm in for another lecture.

"You can't take those kind of chances, Coin could easily punish you." Gale continues.

"What is she gonna do to me? Not let me shoot any more propos? Will she take away my hunting time? Do you think I care about any of that?" I ask. Gale looks hurt that I dismissed our time in the woods but I've got bigger worries that his feelings.

"No, but she could ration your mother and sister's food, she could throw out that mangy cat or she could let a select few know where Peeta is and what a danger he is to the Mockingjay." Haymitch says.

I pale, "she wouldn't!"

"You're a threat to her sweetheart and you're making it more difficult to paint Peeta as a victim if you willingly put yourself in harms way."

"He is a victim, Haymitch! He's not faking it, he was tortured and hijacked. He's suffering and I'm supposed to help him. I promised him that..." I shut my mouth at Gale and Haymitch's angry looks. They don't know what I do when I'm hiding, they don't know that I've retreated into my dreams.

"When did you promise this?" Gale asks suspiciously.

"That doesn't matter." I say rolling the paper between my hands.

"Gale, could you excuse us for a second."

"Why?" Gale asks.

"Victor business." Haymitch says calmly.

"Coin doesn't want her visiting him." Gale snaps.

"I don't care what Coin wants." I snap back.

"You gonna take care of this?" he says to Haymitch.

"I'll try." Haymitch replies.

Gale doesn't say anything else to me and leaves us alone.

"So you gonna take care of me, Haymitch? Like you took care of Peeta?"

"Give it a rest. I'm on your side," he sighs and sits beside me.

"Are you?"

"Gale is trying to get Peeta restricted to medical personnel only."

"What!" I explode.

"Look at it from his point of view, Peeta is dangerous. Damm near killed you the first time you spoke to him."

"He's traumatized."

"I know that but nobody really knows him they way you or I do. We both know that he's a good guy, who's suffered in ways none of us can imagine. But District 13 has only seen what the Capitol has shown them and what they saw when he attacked you."

"Haymitch, we both promised we'd get him out. We didn't. Help me now. Help me bring him back."

"You said you promised... when did you talk to him?"

"I haven't." I say.

"Now is not the time to lie to me," he scolds.

"I'm not lying. I've been talking to him in my dreams." I admit it and saying it aloud, it does sound crazy.

"Your dreams?"

"I've been having dreams, really detailed one every since he tried to kill me."

"Explain them." Haymitch says.

I start at the beginning. I explain the dreams of the Quarter Quell never happening, of us ending the rebellion with our marriage. I tell him of how he doesn't hate me but is indifferent to me, how I hate it and do what I can to bring him back to me. I tell him how my dream Peeta tells me to help guide him back.

"I don't even know what to say to that. Explains why you've been so touchy feely lately."

I glare at him, "I need to talk to him. I need him to see that I'm not giving up on him."

"I agree but the only way that's gonna happen is if a) he's occupied with something other than you b) there's significant guards around you and c) Coin agrees to it."

"I'll do anything."

"I'll talk to Coin but you'll have to be the model citizen, the model soldier until I do."

"I will." I say.

"Okay, I'll got talk to her but I can't make any promises."

"I understand."

He leaves and during time he's gone I follow my schedule, hunt and generally do what is required of me. It takes three weeks for him to give me news of any kind.

"You have one chance."

"What it is?" I ask.

"So here's the good news, Annie and Finnick are getting married. Peeta's been tasked with doing their cake, the doctors think the familiar activity will help and Coin agreed that its the best time for you to talk to him."

"What's the bad news?"

"Coin doesn't trust me and wants Gale to guard you. He'll be in the room with you guys but there will be others outside waiting for his order."

"What order?"

"If Peeta tries to attack you or acts out like he did a few days ago, Gale can have him shot."

"Are you serious?"

"Coin is convinces he's a danger to everyone, including himself. She feels its the most humane thing to do."

"I bet she does." I say darkly.

"You agree to the terms?"

"Its the only way, right?" I ask.

"Yes, it is."

"Okay, I'll do it."

 ** ** ** **I'm like a rubber band until you pull too hard********

I'm partially cuffed to the table. I'm not allowed anything sharp but I'm allowed to direct the two people helping to make the wedding cake. I'm telling them the ingredients they need for the multiple tiered cake when she walks in.

"What is she doing here?" One of the guards asks Gale.

"It was cleared with President Coin."

The guard makes a quick inquiry and allows Gale and Katniss to come in. I wearily glance at them but continue shouting out instructions to my volunteers. The two helpers suddenly don't look happy with this turn of events and I try to keep them occupied as well as myself.

I had a pretty bad episode a few nights ago, I was screaming and trying to get out of my restraints. It been a while since I'd lost control like that but something about my conversations with Delly about what Katniss had or hadn't done, it gets confusing, had set me off.

I hadn't been able to come back from it then, they'd drugged me and I'd woke up heavily chained. They allowed me to be here instead of locked up or only talking with Delly because the doctors had reassured everyone that baking would calm me.

I suspect they don't have a clue what to do with me anymore. Bringing in Katniss reeks of desperation on their part. I begin wondering if they want an excuse to get rid of me once and for all, being killed for attacking the Mockingjay would be pretty poetic given all I'd done to protect her.

I muffle a crazy little laugh and realize I'm spiraling. I pull on my cuffs and focus on the metal biting into my wrists to keep myself blank.

 ** **I may snap and I move fast**  
**

Peeta laughs and it sends a chill through me, I hesitate near the door but he pulls at his cuff and grows quiet. I don't get closer, not yet, I'm scared my presence is triggering something so I give him space and watch as he tells the two people helping him what to do.

I'd never seen a cake be made before and this is something amazing, especially in Peeta's talented hands. The two District 13 citizens pour the batter for the cakes into their pans and put them in the oven.

"It takes about 45 minutes per cake," he says. "Ten minutes to cool after that or the frosting runs."

"Are you going to do them one by one?" I ask.

He glances up from the sketches he has before him. "Two at a time."

He goes back to his drawings and I just watch him. I recall the plant book, him sitting by my bed as he wrote in it and added pictures and colors. Detailed drawings that had him concentrating and allowed me to study him then like I was doing now.

The cakes come out and they cool then assemble them. The frosting is applied and Peeta tells them where they need to either cover or fix the gaps to make the frosting uniform and smooth. I watch not saying a word, hoping he'll be more relaxed if I stay silent.

 ** **But you won't see me fall apart****

I ask to do the decorating and the guards make a call and come back with an affirmative reply. I give instructions for making the colors I need as well as putting them in the simple plastic bags that will be used as my pipping bags.

Katniss hasn't moved from the corner but I can tell she wants to get a better look. "You can come closer," I say. She immediately moves and Gale steps in front of her. She glares at him but he doesn't allow her to go forward until he's perched in a spot where he can shoot me with ease if I try anything.

I honestly don't blame him and am glad he's watching out for Katniss' safety since she apparently is not.

Another guard unhooks my cuff from the counter, shortens it and attaches it to my other wrist giving me limited movement. "Can you work with those?" She asks.

"I'm not quite trustworthy yet," I say and continue my task, "can you cut these, just the tips." She pulls the bags towards her and carefully cuts off the tips then gives them back to me.

"What are they for?"

"To decorate the cake."

"You can do it with that?"

"Sure."

I do aquamarine waves that crest and rise into white tipped foam. I make fish of every color I can mix and form white sailboats that cut through the frosted ocean. I make friendly brown seals that sun themselves on gray rocks dotted along the edge of the cake. On the highest tier I do chains of flowers in vibrant colors.

"It's beautiful."

"Thank you," I say. "I did all the icing in my family's bakery."

She nods. "You remember?"

"No, yes. I've got memories, some I can't make sense of."

"Like what?" she asks.

"A lot of nights on the train."

"They happened."

"You use to sleep in my arms?" I ask and see Gale flinch behind me.

"The nightmares we had, it was how we kept our sanity," she says quietly.

"I don't have that now." I reply.

"The little things, we start with those."

"Are they still dragging out the star crossed lovers thing?" I ask.

"No."

"Cause it's not true." I say and the room starts to distort and shift. I see her get shinny. I dig the metal into my arm, "if you can stop looking at me like a victim, I can stop acting like one, I said that."

"Yes, you also said we have to tell each other the deep stuff."

"The deep stuff?"

"So we could have a shot at being friends."

"You said you weren't any good at making friends." I say

"You asked-"

"Your favorite color." I mutter. "I don't remember. I don-"

"Peeta? I've never wanted to hurt you."

"I know." I say but I can't deal with her anymore. It's too much. I motion for the guard. "I'd like to go back now, please."

The man looks at Katniss but I don't look back as I'm led to the medical wing **. 'We are not friends, we are not lovers, we are not anything but instruments of a war neither of us wanted.'**

 **Cause I've got an elastic heart**

"Katniss? You okay?"

"I've lost him, haven't I?"

"Do you want to lose him?" Gale asks.

"No." I respond trying to keep the tears from falling.

"Then don't let him push you away. You're the only one that clear up the confusion in his mind."

"I don't want to just clear up his confusion. I want him back."

"Then fight for him or let him go," he says.

"I can't let him go."

I spend the rest of the day holed up in my room, I don't care what my schedule says. All I care is about what Gale told me. _'Fight for him or let him go.'_

I reach Haymitch's quarters and I don't hesitate to enter. I wake him and he's even less pleased when I tell why I disturbed him, "I need to see him."

"No way."

"Please."

"You had your chance," he mumbles and tries to go back to sleep.

Its all show, Haymitch sleeps even less than Peeta and I combined. "I know that but I wasn't really able to talk to him, not with Gale and all those people with us."

"So we try again," he says.

"That won't work. He'll just keep pushing me away if I do that. I need to see him alone, just him and I."

"Are you crazy? He could kill you."

"Haymitch."

"Katniss, maybe it's better this way. He'll get better and you can keep Coin happy and you'll both be safe."

"Safe for how long? You said yourself that Coin thinks he's dangerous. She'll find an excuse to kill him."

"And if this backfires?" he asks.

"I convince Coin that he isn't worth the bother and I become a good little soldier."

"I'm so gonna regret this," he mutters and gets out of the bed. "Come on Sweetheart, I ain't got all night." We sneak into the observation room, Peeta isn't sleeping, he's wide awake and staring at the ceiling. "He looks better." Haymitch says.

I turn to our mentor, although I haven't agreed with him on everything and fought him on more than one occasion, I realize he is the closest thing to a parent I have. He's the only one who can truly understand me, because I'm so much like him. I know this costs him and I appreciate it. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet, we still gotta hope he doesn't snap and hurt you."

"He won't," I say with more confidence than I feel.

"Good luck," he says.

 **I've got an elastic heart**

I enter the room knowing that Haymitch is just a few feet away and watching behind the glass if I need him. Still its little comfort, I remember all too clearly how fast and strong Peeta was the first time.

"Hello." I greet him.

He turns his head removing his gaze from the ceiling and sweeping over me, "what are you doing here?"

"We didn't finish talking in the kitchen."

"We didn't?"

"No. There was other things I wanted to say." I explain.

"Why?" he asks.

"Why what?"

"Why are you really here? I'm no longer a threat to you. I'm staying out of your way like I was asked to."

"Who asked you to do that?"

"Everybody." He shrugs, "I can't be fixed."

"You aren't broken, Peeta."

He snorts, "even I know that's not true. Why haven't you given up on me?"

"I can't."

"You don't owe me anything."

"It's not because I owe you." I'm trying to find the words to say what I mean but that's not my talent, it's his. I try to imagine what he would say if our positions were reversed and that was me confused and resigned.

"I can't let you go."

"I'm not going anywhere," he says exasperated. He's getting frustrated, I can see the tension settling over his arms. His hands are clenching on the raised side bars of his bed.

Step by step I shorten the distance between us. "I need you, Peeta." He practically growls but I keep going. "I want you here with me, I can't live without you." His eyes are getting wide and I can see the madness starting to leak into them. "If you die, I'll never leave the arena. I won't have anyone."

"It's always about you! I.I.I. It's never what others need. You only want to keep using me and I won't let you. It kills you that I'm not falling for your tricks again!"

"They're not tricks."I say and slowly reach out, he tries to pull away but I grab onto him and don't let go.

His hand is clenched in a fist beneath mine. "I'm not falling for it again, sweetheart."

"Why don't you believe me?"

"You lied to me before, you've kept things from me."

I see Haymitch enter from the corner of my eye and curse him for doing so. "Tell me."

"The images are all there jumbled. I can't make sense of them," he snaps.

"Let me help you." I say.

"No!" He yells and he starts to thrash around. I let go of his hand and his movements grow more frantic. "See you're leaving me, just like before! You will never risk anything unless it benefits you," he snarls.

I walk over to the corner, grab a chair, drag it to his side and use it to climb over the raised bars of his bed. Haymitch tries to pull me away, "Katniss, what the hell are you doing?"

I shove his hands away and carefully straddle Peeta's raging body. I sit using my knees at his sides to anchor me, he stills, momentarily shocked and I grab his shackled hands. I gather them in mine and touch my forehead to his.

"Peeta," I call gently.

He closes his eyes refusing to look at me, I lift my head but stay close.

"Peeta?" I call again.

"Katniss, you're making it worse. Get off him." Haymitch says.

I ignore Haymitch and continue calling out to him, "Peeta, please look at me."

"You're not real, it's a trick," he mutters shaking his head back and forth against the pillow.

We're both sweating from struggling with the other but I can't bring myself to give up. "I'm real, please Peeta. I can't do this without you. I don't want to do this without you, don't make me."

He finally opens his eyes and they are red rimmed. "Why are you doing this?"

I swallow and say the one truth I've always denied. "Because I love you."

"You don't. You're just saying that, this is another act. It's all lies!" He yells and tries to buck me off him.

I don't give in, I can't. If I'm to convince him I have to do this. This has to be it, the moment I give all or die trying. I undo the leather restraints around his wrists and before Haymitch can stop me I unhook them and let him go.

Peeta's hands immediately encircle my throat and I have to swallow a shaky breath.

"Peeta, don't hurt her." Haymitch pleads.

I don't look away from his blue eyes. I'm holding onto the bars but I'm not protecting myself anymore. He's shaking and so am I but I'm willing to do this, to get him back to me. "You said that I don't risk anything. I'm risking my life for you. I'm risking everything to get you back because you are worth it."

His fingers tighten but I'm not afraid. I know this boy, he's still in there. My boy with the bread, my fellow victor, the boy that joined the Careers to give me a fighting chance. The boy that gave me that pearl, the boy I couldn't sleep without. The boy I have given my heart to. I just have to coax him out.

"You asked me what I was going to do with you now that I had you. Do you remember?"

He shakes his head.

"I told you that I was going to put-"

"...me somewhere where I wouldn't get hurt," he finishes.

His fingers relax and they slide down to my nape. His hands tug on the back of my neck and I lean down and kiss him. Its the first time we've kissed since we were separated, its familiar and wonderfully different and I missed it. I grip his shirt and deepen the kiss.

"Don't mind me." Haymitch says.

"Peeta," I sigh pulling away from him and ignoring our mentor.

He lets go of me and I can see doubt clouding his eyes. "Katniss, what's gonna happen to us?"

"I don't know but we'll be together. You and me."

"You and me?"

"We are a team. Its how we live," I say.

"We protect each other," he says.

"It's what you two do." Haymitch says and he offers me a hand. I grip it and carefully climb off Peeta, over the bars, onto the chair and down to the floor. I sit on the chair and we hold hands until Haymitch reminds us that Peeta still needs to be restrained for his own safety.

He reaches for my hand and I hold it while Haymitch ties his other one. "Can you do this one?" he asks me. I nod and gently wrap the leather around his wrist. "You'll have to do it tighter or they'll suspect," he says with a smile on his tired face.

I tighten it and he winces. "Better?"

"Yeah," he says.

"We better go." Haymitch reminds me that we are not supposed to be here. I lean down and kiss him lightly and we turn to go.

"Katniss?"

I turn back, "yeah?"

"I love you too."

I grin and leave the room. Haymitch walks beside me. "So finally bit the bullet, huh?"

"Shut up, Haymitch."

"I'm glad you know."

"You are?" I ask.

"Yeah, you two are made for each other. You're both too stubborn for your own good."

"And?"

"Only he would put up with you..."

"Hey!"

"...And nobody would do what you did for him."

"You're getting soft." I say.

"I am."

I give him a tight hug then leave him at the door of his room. I enter the corridor that leads to my room but I turn around and head back to the infirmary. I slip into the observation room and walk up to the window. Peeta is lying on his side, his arms curled under his pillow.

It'll take time for him to recover, he won't ever be the same but neither am I. It'll take time for me to love him completely without fear and it'll be the same for him.

It'll take time for Haymitch to not feel like he has to guard us, we'll be guarded for a while too. But we'll manage to find out way back, if we survive this war, we'll have a chance to see what a life together outside the Games looks like.

If we survive, I know that as long as we are together, eventually we will be happy.


End file.
